tallulah_sa

If people end up with suicide, it means that there is something, that's much worse than death.

You're not special, jeeez, no one is... That's just your age or people around you.
It's not even "ego" anymore, it's selfish, even if those two words are practically the same.

Because I know that they won't understand.

Kind of weird see myself changing as the time goes by. I hope I can be the same person I was couple of years ago, see.. I just felt that the world was mine, I could do something, I could become something. Maybe I just want to fall in love with someone, "someone old, someone new, someone stolen, someone blue". Actually, I'm already fallen, but I need the last kick from him to.. well.. find any reason for being obsessed. I enjoy the life I'm living, but.. something is missing. Something very important. Courage, maybe.

Actually I was home all the time, but I'm back in LJ now ^^
Anyway, things are not as great as they could be, but pretty fine though.

Не смогу на английском, не подберу своей интонации и слов.
Мне "томно". Не депрессивно, но тоскливо. "Ах до чего же любим мы жалеть себя" - пел поэт.
Я не могу описать то, что я имею в голове т.к. оно меняется со скоростью меня на беговой дорожке. Т.е. не моментально, но в принципе меняется. Задумаюсь и вроде хорошо блин всё, сходила в магазин и проблемы как рукой сняло.
На работе противные казусы, вроде нового сотрудника из ирака, я ничего не имею против темных, абсолютно. Но этот... выпендривающийся, мелкий, назойливый. Тфу. Я не могу с такими быть в окружении, такие меня сильно заводят до состоянии "сломать что-то".
2. Надо завязывать с игрушками на компе. Это абсолютно серьезно, во первых они отнимают кучу времени, а во вторых весь настрой на что бы то нибыло.
Всё хорошо, мать его. Плохо только у меня в голове. И чем больше в себе копаешься, тем хуже становится. А-ля "а я ведь столько не успела за этот год\месяц\неделю\день". Не думать об этом и заняться всем, что не успела. Взять и начать, а не скулить как дворняга.
Что нужно? Нужно высшее образование. Всё, больше для последующей жизни вобще ничего не пригодится. Загар этот чертов в солярии, ахуенные мышцы на животе. Это псс, предсесиенныйсиндром :Е Через 10 дней первый экзамен. На этой неделе 3 зачета. + 1 доклад по есстественным наукам(algemene natuurwetenschappen=анв).
Кстати поскольку я всё равно забуду что у меня в какой последовательности:
Чт - био
Пт - англ
Пн - голл. + мат-ка
Вт - анв
Ср - общество + химия
Чт - физика
Пт - немецкий
Жопа это - био, общество + химия в 1 день. остальное в принципе все оке.

Скачала всю дискографию Сонаты Арктики, обновила свое собрание, очень её не хватало. Оказывается у меня многого не было. Калеб почему т порадовал.

Всё, кажется всё оке. А дейстивтельно, чего волновалась.Всё хорошо :)

Forget about the last weird entries, I've just figured it out. My "period" is starting soon, so crying alone at night is just a part of it.
Ho-ho! Kinda happy...

You know what I've always loved in you? That after all those tears and "noonelovesme"-stuff you just forget about it in a sec and start jerking, pretending like nothing happened. Hilarious. But however, it helps. Always.
Just imagine a person who jerk and cries in a same time. And then has an orgasm and cries in a same time. I can't, I really can't imagine it. And i'm glad that between jerking and crying you always pick the 1st option. Because it's more fun, because it shows that you're an optimistic jerk and not a pessimistic dork.
But however, i'm done now, - so go on.

Dear Me,

stop crying, damn you. I know exactly how you feel, and you know what? The shit you're thinking about is absolutely nonsense. Music you listening - is your current mood. Silence kills you, not "this cruel world" or "having no boyfriend". Listen, It is just a hard period, teenage changing stuff and all. But never ever think you can't handle it. Because you're the one who makes your own future, destiny doesn't exist.
The stuff I'm typing now is pretty obvious, but, it's the only way to stop you(me?) crying. And stop thinking that you can't handle it anymore. Suicide and stuff are too often in u'r
'r head last time. Everybody can handle it and everybody did or will do it. You need to do it right now. And you will, because I telling you this. It's weird, but we're different, you've got two parts of you. You've always been talking with yourself loud. So here I am. I am the one you was talking to. Remember you had I friend who didn't exist? It was me again. So shut it and listen.
I know how terrifically wise and intelligent and pretty you are. You don't know it, I do. Lazy, egomaniac. But still, pretty and intelligent. Crying has never been an exit. You can't just cry your sadness out.
You know what are you crying about? No. Me either not. Because it's for no reason, because you simply felt sad. Because you always feel sad after talking to somebody for a long time. You're moving to another part of your life, when You finally have responsibility and not your parent(s). You have job now, you want to move out later. You need to study, to pass your exams. You want to lose weight, fine, lose it. It's not a big deal, it may take a little more time than you expected, so what? It might sound stupid but by comparing me to you (and we're 1 same person) I feel much older than you are.
Okay, tears have finally stopped. Now - go to bed, you may stay home tomorrow. It's not a big deal, you only have gym and german, so who cares if you won't show up.

Always yours,
Me.

Oh and btw, if someone read it, please don't think of me as of someone who lost his mind, I'm thinking clear enough. Thanks.

I´d give my everything to you,
Follow you through the garden of oblivion
If only I could tell you everything,
The little things you´ll never dare to ask me…

I'm acting weird when people die. What kind of jerk am I :/

Well, I've just reread my entries, not all of them, just the last ones, from the front page.. and I think this "oh my god, i was so stupid then"-feeling would never go away. But I'm not really good in explaining my thought in English correctly, so it might be the problem too. I'm still working on it.

Btw, I'm 73.4kg now. So, it's not really bad, much better than I supposed it would be, so I'm kind of happy.
Good luck everyone. Nobody's reading me tough.. :D
I'm playing travian again, one on dutch server and on 20th February starts a new Russian server. So if you;re interested or already playing, just contact me.

It seems that I actually can't take any samples of my body, so I'll just keep it on weight.
But today was a big day, nothing forbidden has been eaten, except maybe sugared milk. But however, my diner was really perfect.
We've got it going on.. :E

I'm such a small someone. Such a small, tiny person. I've got nothing but jealousy to the ones who look prettier and thinner than I do.

Just received some photos of my friend, and just understood how tiny am I. No really, I'm only happy when everybody's ugly around me. But still I'm doing nothing for myself to look better or something. I can't even control the food I'm eating. That's just so uncool... But tomorrow is the new Monday, new week. And I hope, I'll finally find some strength in me. First of all, control my own food. Second - Is showing up in our sport center like at least 3 times in a week. And I need to begin with solarium, 'cause my skin colour is "fuckin' awful".

Tomorrow I'll do some measures and hang them up here. And each Monday I'll do them again and still hang them in this diary.
God, I hope it won't be more than 74 kg. But still, if it will, I'll just go on. I won't give up, no, no I won't.

So here I am again. Trying to lose some weight, trying to gain some good marks. Trying to begin a new life every single day.
I won't give up. So you also shouldn't.

Sometimes I just like to think in English, to write, to speak.
Have you ever got a mood when you're not really upset or sad or something, but you know.. when you're "touchy". I've just been re-watching "Friends," season 3, when Rachel breaks up with Ross, and although I've seen it thousands of times, I can't deny tears. I've always been crying when it's over. Like when I cried after Mufasa dies in Lion King, I think that if I'll see it now, I'd still cry. It's just one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. That's not really what this entry is about, but I thought that i haven't been writing here for a couples of months already, so I just need to fill my diary.
Sometimes I wish I was some kind of a wise man, who people would listen to. But I'm not.
Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend who was a jew. With glasses and dark hair.
Sometimes I wish I could really change my life just by accepting it in a different way.

Oh, btw, I've just passed one leather jacket today, and oh my god, i'm so about to buy it.
Dummy entry.

да не хочу я этих "со всеми"

хочу быть одна на нг

накуриться под музыку и напиться

да и брякнуться где нибудь
застрелите меня, я не могу больше